A Mission 22 Blog Series on Relationship Healing, Divorce Recovery, and Healthy Vulnerability.

PART III: The power of confession

We’ve so far been examining what it looks like to negotiate and practice new relationship strategies, starting with the idea of early attachments and most recently, looking at how to reconcile with a past version of ourselves who was operating on a misunderstanding of their role in relationships.

If this process is feeling a little overwhelming, or if the idea of opening up about personal needs seems like it’s in that category of tasks that need doing, but we much prefer to kick the can for a “better” date, then that probably means there’s an important takeaway here.

In part II, we practiced seeing ourselves as an innocent child who made assumptions based on what their experiences in life at that age were. Through that lens, the invitation is to come to this process with grace. To get into a mindset that there’s nothing to be mad about or judgmental about when it comes to asking, “Why am I this way?”

It seems to me that if we are serious about establishing healthy, long-lasting attachments to the people in our lives that we value most, we have to start with grace because this is going to be bumpy, but I would offer a worthwhile ride.

What Comes After Grace? 

Today, we’ll look at confession.

What comes to mind when you hear that word? Maybe something that occurs in a church setting, maybe something only associated with meeting with a priest in a funny-looking booth where neither party can see each other well.

Why do you think we had this practice, at least in the church, in the first place? Is it some outdated religious practice or an essential piece to growth?

Confession simply means to acknowledge something, to say out loud a truth that has heretofore gone unspoken. Grace (that regard we have for our childhood self) must be combined with truth (the reality that all of us have something to confess) in order for freedom to be found on the other side of verbally admitting something important.

Without confession of some kind, we run the risk of letting something on the inside fester and transform into an internal saboteur. And it can cause this damage below the surface; we might not realize the need for the transformative power of saying out loud, in the presence of a witness, a truth otherwise gone unspoken.

The Problem With Social Media

I think one of the many problems with social media is that it can actually serve as a substitute for confession. Rather than speaking truth in the presence of witnesses, we expose slices of ourselves in the presence of judgment.

“Look at this. Do you like this? Am I good enough? Are you commenting enough so I feel secure?” Contrasted with confessing, “I am not everything I could be, and I am not a perfect person,” followed by face-to-face understanding and empathy.

Confession is a participation in being honest. It’s participating in speaking the truth that sets you free. We might run from it because we are so afraid of what others might think if they see through the facade.

But time and again, in my life and literally everyone else I talk to about this subject, there is practically no confession that is so bad that a group of trusted friends can’t handle it, and that, in fact, invites even more trust.

Confession Exemplified at AA

Go to an AA meeting and witness how people come to fearlessly confess their pasts to one another, and you’ll find that there’s nothing to be afraid of in a setting like this. “But I can’t tell them I slept with a prostitute! I can’t tell them I did this or that drug!” The reality is that it is only to you that your past sins are somehow way out of proportion relative to others.

You’re not special in your wrongdoing, per se. Meaning that every last one of us has an underlying sense of the truth that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.

But this should be freeing. It is an invitation to join in the healing power of confession. And if someone else thinks they’re better than you for it, or if someone else is somehow judging that your sinful life is worse than theirs, well, it sounds to me like that’s something they need to confess.

Where Does This Come Into Play in Developing Good Attachments With People?

We may come to a point where we need to sit down with someone and give them the “I am an anxious person” speech.

It goes something like this:

I am almost always worried that the people closest to me will leave, will treat me poorly, or may not provide me with the things I, deep down, need in a relationship. And because I am anxious about these things, I find myself resorting to pushing people’s buttons in order for my needs to be met. I want to apologize if I have ever done this to you. In my anxiety, I have a hard time trusting that you’ll provide my relationship needs if I were to just ask in a straightforward manner; even though I know in my head there is a better way to do this, that head knowledge has not yet fully moved to my heart.”

And for my money, making that confession, making that acknowledgment, can set a relationship free in ways that are hard to overestimate. Because what’s the other person going to say?

Most likely, it will be an enormous relief to both people! Why?

Consider what all successful comedians have in common. Their humor comes from simply stating things that most people observe but never have the gumption to put into words themselves. The humor identifies the release of something that has heretofore gone unspoken in the presence of other witnesses.

Laughter is a response to an unexpected truth being said out loud, a salutary catharsis, a release of emotion that leads to health.

Your partner may also surprise you by saying something like, “Oh, you, too! Haha, I catch myself doing that all the time.” What sort of doors does that open? What permission have you just granted over your communication dynamic?

This kind of “I am an anxious person” speech could radically alter how you relate to others, giving them the gift of understanding that it’s actually a serious challenge for you to ask for your needs to be met in a way that’s not going through the back door, using covert contracts or people pleasing methods.

It invites understanding, compassion, and grace and may also invite that other person to confess something similar to you, as you give them permission by your actions.

It’s one of the most human things you can do.